Tale of Ten Patches

Patch One

Finally submitted the TAGS patch to Linus to add TAGS capability to the top-level Makefile. I seem to recall sending something like this before, but I must be wrong, because Linus always applies my patches.

Patch Two

It's been a week, and a new kernel came out. Linus must have lost my mail. That's ok, because I got some feedback from a vi user, who added a patch for `tags', so my patch is markedly improved.

Patch Three

How strange. Another kernel, no patch. Obviously Linus is very busy, and there have been some weird mailer problems, so it's not that surprising. I'm confident that the TAGS patch is the most highly tuned patch possible; he'll definitely apply it this time.

Patch Four

It's been five days. Two kernel pre-patches. No patch. Starting to question my faith in the kernel development: re-reading The Cathedral and the Bazaar.

Patch Five

Haven't slept in three days. Checked patch for extraneous whitespace. Checked my old mail accounts for an explanation from Linus. Coworkers have been trying to talk to me about it, but it didn't help. Ate one of them. Others backed off.

Patch Six

2.3.34 was released, without my patch. Stumbled into the office and everyone was wearing black armbands in sympathy. Of course, I know that they are part of the Conspiracy, and they never really like me anyway, because Stephen got an APM patch in the same release. Fortunately there's a gun shop nearby.

Patch Seven

Linus, Linus, why have you forsaken me? The tyrannical laughter from the Transmeta compound haunts my dreams; I can't believe I dealt with VI USERS to develop this patch (and I've heard they eat babies). There's no room left in Linux development for the little guy. Someone wandered into the deserted office today and asked when the patch was going into the official kernel: I buried the remains in the ceiling space.

Patch Eight

Have built voodoo doll of Linus: I've sacrificed a copy of the GNU Coding Standards to it, but it hasn't helped. Damn Fins: this is no way to run a fucking kernel. I've taken to calling random people in the CREDITS file at two in the morning and yelling "WHY DOESN'T LINUS USE CVS??". Sent death threats to Larry McVoy for not finishing Bitkeeper.

Patch Nine

I was worried for a little bit that I was losing it. But the voodoo doll of The Great Evil Linus tells me I'm fine (he's now covered in pins except for his hands, required for applying my patch).

Printed out twenty copies of the TAGS patch, soaked them in gasoline and used them to burn down the offices. Kept one, scrawled my email address in blood on the back of it, and Fedex'ed it to Linus. I can hear his demonic laughter all the time now...

Patch Ten

Linus applied my patch in 2.3.37! Linus is a genius.

I've sent Linus a copy of the devfs patch. I seem to recall sending something like this before, but I must be wrong, because Linus always applies my patches.